C R I N G E
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
Footage of trump preparing for rally
https://ift.tt/3dmaDqK
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
I’m flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.
Everyone keeps raving about their new deli…
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke
should get a no bell prize.
I keep a record of how much toffee I eat.
It’s my Heath Ledger.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
I’ve been involved in a number of integrations, both as a leader and a follower
https://ift.tt/2SXWCb8
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
Why was 6 afraid of 7
7 was a registered six offender
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
Hitler’s Game
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
What do you call an anteater that eats ants?
An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up …
Which I really didn't appreciate.
What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?
632 Hallmark movies.