Cadet Bone Spurs
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the hungry shark?
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden and I’m thinking…
"Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
My dad has a camera pointing at the river outside
He likes to keep up with current events.
Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.
However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car. Weeks later, Sandy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him. "Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks. "They will pay me the next day to fix it," Sandy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back." "But why do you need the money?" Sandy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I bought a dictionary and all the pages were blank
I have no words for how angry I am.
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
Ralph came home drunk one night
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
They have been putting these up every day at work. This was the worst one so far
https://ift.tt/2VYOgkt
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?
[remooved]
I used to date my english teacher
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian
Its like I had never seen herbivore
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
I found out why everyone is collecting TP
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Why does Frankenstein’s monster have such a good sense of humor?
Because he's always in stitches!
Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn’t swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.