Calculus professor inspired me to come up with this
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
What happened to the frog’s car when it broke down?
It got toad.
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, โThings are great and Iโve never felt better.โ I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. โSo what do you think about that Doc?โ The doctor considered his question for a minute andย then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the waterโs edge. He realized heโd left his gun at home and so he couldnโt shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, โLogic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.โ The doctor replied, โMy point exactly.โ
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
โWhat are you doing?โ the man inquires. โErr,โ she stammers back. โIโฆ umโฆ I think Iโm having a heart attack!โ โOh,โ cries the gullible husband, โquick, Iโll call an ambulance!โ He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. โWhatโs the matter, son?โ asks the father. โUncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,โ replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said. โYou bastard, Jim,โ screams the man. โMy wife is over there having a heart attack and youโre running around naked scaring Johnny!โ
I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall.
It was a little condescending
On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
What do you call a ship captain with a big booty?
"Thicc" with seven C's.
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
I tried making a joke about broke people.
It ended poorly.
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Canโt say that Iโm surprised
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
Chicken strips.
I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
Have you heard about the new craze where guys bedazzle their testicles?
It's Pretty Nuts.
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
What do you have when you buy the wrong meat at the store.
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G, and itโs gone.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows…' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
What you do get from a dwarf cow?
… condensed milk.
I mean, to be frank
I'd have to change my name
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
I’ve always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! "Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said. "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon