call 911
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Magician: “For this trick I’m gonna dissapear”
Magician: Looking at pear “You’re ugly!”
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
This is almost a checklist of boomer. If it has a laughing crying emoji it would be perfect
https://ift.tt/2t64hKV
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.” Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. “Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, “Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
Two books meet in a Library. One says ‘ You don’t look too well ‘ and the other replies..
… Just had my Appendix removed.
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they're good buoys.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
Why has the U.S. Surgeon General suggested to cook smoked turkey this Thanksgiving?
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
