Call me a racist if you must, but south of the border is nothing but a land of corruption, violence and stupidity that I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole
I’m extremely lucky to be from Canada
They think they’re hilarious don’t they
Ha ha everytime
Well, which one was it? How can we know?
*reads in Carl Sagan’s voice*
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one
Found in my AP US Government textbook
Stay away from my ram 😭
Not the time, dad
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Is this your candidate?
Protestors say statue tripped and fell into water
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
Tell, don’t show
Machine learning lessons
How many people can you fit on a motorcycle in Rio de Janeiro?
About two Brazilian
This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
Meryl Streep as Donald Trump
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
Aha. Now I get it.
The real heroes
Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn’t tell the kids…
He gives them a clue. “It’s what your mom calls me!”. The son yells, “it’s a fucking dick don’t eat it!”
I don’t have a “Dad Bod”
I have a father figure
A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.
Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
It do be like that sometimes
Many pearls were clutched that day
Call me water because online school got me bent
And suddenly I realized
That’s what I’m saying
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
Coding on a phone is the best kind of coding
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night
The owner of the shop said, What do you do for a riving? I said, What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian. So the Chinese chap says, Go on then, change color. I said, No. I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian. So then he says, Tell me a joke, make me raff. I said, You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh? Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, Wok. Wok. And he said, Who der?
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
Taking responsibility for one’s actions
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
Best Impeachment Rally Sign
Ahh those days…
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
When simple sign is not enough
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
Yang is back at it again.
The Immune System’s Biggest Loser
Bunker Bitch. Help It Stick.
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.