Call me a racist if you must, but south of the border is nothing but a land of corruption, violence and stupidity that I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole
I’m extremely lucky to be from Canada
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
How many people can you fit on a motorcycle in Rio de Janeiro?
About two Brazilian
This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
![In parts of Upstate NY, the [i] in words like “milk” is pronounced like an [e], like “melk.” This means that on Reddit, instead of getting “gilded,” you get…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/no_image_card-33-400x247.png)
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn’t tell the kids…
He gives them a clue. “It’s what your mom calls me!”. The son yells, “it’s a fucking dick don’t eat it!”
I don’t have a “Dad Bod”
I have a father figure
A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.
Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night
The owner of the shop said, What do you do for a riving? I said, What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian. So the Chinese chap says, Go on then, change color. I said, No. I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian. So then he says, Tell me a joke, make me raff. I said, You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh? Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, Wok. Wok. And he said, Who der?
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.