CaLl Me DiCkAsSo
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.
Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
why do ducks wear pants?
so you don't see their butt-quack!
Saw this at the grocery store after the Kellogg’s comment
Saw this at the grocery store after the Kellogg’s comment
A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try …
Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, "Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend." The woman was confused. "What makes you think you're gonna be better than my last 3?" She inquired. "Well," he began. "I have no arms, so I won't abuse you. I have no legs, so I won't abandon or run away from you." "But how are you in bed?" She asked. And his response was, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Power outages delight me.
No text found
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Real dad joke story time.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?
It was about a weak back.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
How do you find a velociraptor?
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
“Hey girl, lets go to my place, we can watch a movie or something.”
"I don't know… do you have any toilet paper there?"
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fri- "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.
Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven
God says to them, “I will tell you anything you want to know” One of the conspiracy theorists asks, “who shot JFK?” God responds, “it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone” The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, “this is bigger than we thought”
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Idea
Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.
The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.
They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equipment is not as great as the FBI’s but they still look very prepared. After two days, upon finding no rabbits, they conclude that there is no rabbit, there never was, and everybody was lying to them from the start. Finally, the KGB go in. Everyone is afraid for them, as they are going in with nothing but a couple traps and a baseball bat. However, to everyone’s surprise, two days later, the KGB come out with a bear, who is bloody and bruised. One of the members pokes the bear in the stomach and the bear starts screaming, “I AM A RABBIT!”
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
What’s the warmest part of a room?
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.