Call me water because online school got me bent
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"Iโll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, Iโm not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, Iโll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing… They fast!
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said…
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!" The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85." said the clerk. "How come so much! I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house. Knock Knock. Who's there? Bawk Bawk Bawkaw
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
Iโve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along…
Iโve got this awful disease where I canโt stop telling airport jokes…
The doctor says itโs terminal.
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.
Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared" Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"ย Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."ย Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"ย Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."ย Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"ย Boy just laughs and keeps walking.ย That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.ย Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.ย Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"ย Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."ย Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"ย Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."ย Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"ย Boy just laughs and keeps walking.ย That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.ย Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.ย Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"ย Boy says "It's a pussy willow."ย Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
La gorda abby llegando al mcdonalds
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss a brie?
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.
I looked over at him and shouted, โWell thatโs not very mature is it??โ
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked. The monk replied "religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."