Call the coroner.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy
I met an atheist who worked for a charity the other day..
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
I’ve spent two years looking for my ex’s killer
But no-one will do it.
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. " The blonde look around and says " Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes…"
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
Dragon 1: Honey, I picked up some knights for dinner on my way home.
Dragon 2: Dear, you know I hate canned food!
What’s the first book in the video game bible?
Sega Genesis.
My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was ..
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
You’ve been elected president of the phobia society.
I was afraid of that.
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
Valerie
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "St. Louis." "Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis." "I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance." The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
Well… Here goes nothing
No text found
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
Did you hear about the all-janitor baseball team?
They swept the finals
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance
Unfortunately she blew it
A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!" Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed and so did he. There she stood naked, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?
His name was Rick O'Shea
Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation…
..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose. Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000. Colonel Smith chooses the reach of his arms, that is from the tip of his right index finger to the tip of his left index finger, which results in a distance of 75 inches (so he gets $7.5M). Finally Colonel McConaughey chooses the distance from the tip of his penis to his balls -"Colonel, choose two parts that are more separated, you'll win more money that way!" – says the soldier in charge of the measurement. -"No, i'm sure these are the parts i want measured, please proceed!" – answers the colonel. The soldier then proceeds to take the measuring tape from the tip of colonel's dick and stretches the tape to reach the balls when suddenly he stops and asks "Wait…where are your balls?!" -"I lost them in Vietnam"
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.