Calling all good Christians!
Anyone else?
Anyone else?
Being an undertaker is a lifeless job.
No text found
Today is 4 04…
There's a joke somewhere in there, but I can't quite find it.
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
As screenshot of a share of a photo of a computer with a bad joke on facebook
https://ift.tt/2MZuMbF
So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.
Do you know the antonyms of the following words?
Always Coming From Take Me Down
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
Did you here about the man who broke his funny bone?
They soaked it in water and it became a laughing stock.
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it's past tents
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
No matter how popular they get
antibiotics will never go viral.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
No text found
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
Divorcing parents
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way.'
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??" "Getting a proper sample size!"
I said to my boss the other day, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?
They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
I was going to tell a joke about Noble gases,
But I knew I'd get no reaction.
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
That’s Swede of you
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
So, little Johnny has a report due for government class…
He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
What do interstates eat their peanut butter with?
Traffic jam!
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.