Calling back retirees…

I wanted to tell a cashier joke.
But I didn't think it would register.
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.

A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.
How did 10 die ?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along…
I have a stepladder…
It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

Imagine having a president that doesn’t understand how the First Amendment works
https://ift.tt/2yEEfRR
Some people really like Orion’s Belt
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
No text found

Oh man, Joe. Looks like you should be put in a cage like the rest of the criminals.
https://ift.tt/32POHQb
This is why you check for kids
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "ÂŁ250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "ÂŁ750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "ÂŁ1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
While on vacation in Spain with my wife..
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex
One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!" Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and shouts "WHO THE FUCK IS ANGELA?" Matt, realizing that he just said another girls name during sex, tries to cover it up with an excuse, and replies "Oh? You don't know what "Angela" means? Haha its a newer slang term, which means 'here I come, take my load!'" Sarah gives a puzzled look, and forgets about it in the moment as they continue to cuddle in bed. The next day, Sarah meets up for the first time with a group of girls at her dorm, and meets Rose, and they have a good time and slowly become friends. After hesitating for a while, Sarah casually asks, "Hey, do you know what Angela means? Something boys are starting to say more often?" to which Rose replies, "no, not really." Sarah continues to say that it means "here I come, take my load!" Rose, confused, looks back at her and says: "I heard that's what "Sarah" means?"
Why was the broom late to work?
It overswept
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
A defribilator almost never fails, when it did…
No One was shocked
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Did you hear about the short psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large
A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily A voice was hears in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
What do whores and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! "Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish! "I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! "I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. "I wish for a meatier shower!"
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates