Calm down Einstein!
MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?
A Plagueround
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had reptile dysfunction
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me.
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
We named him Carson.
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
42M with toilet paper seeking female with hand sanitiser …
… for some good clean fun
A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need it to go skydiving TWICE.