Can I download it from my mario games?
I hade to remove my oldest dagger from my knife collection
It just didn't cut it anymore
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
They were watch dogs.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make things interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
Why can’t Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
Why can’t Kylie Jenner ever see her dad?
He’s transparent
I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on On my lap Virus free
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones…
… but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooo!!
I don’t hate bread
I loaf it 🍞
Why 69 was afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”. Like I was supposed to know the name.
I think I’d win gold in “Literature Gymnastics.”
I can really flip a page. 😀
My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
So my 8yo son wanted to learn programming. He fiddled around with LOGO when suddenly he started swearing like never before…
.. I went over to him trying to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. He shouted at the screen that “this damn turtle won’t draw what he told it to”. At this moment he went completely silent starring at his code. Then he performed his first genuine face palm stating that he forgot to put the “pendown”.Yes dear son, this is how programmers feel literally every day.
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
Unbelievable! 364 Days until Christmas…
…yet there is deco everywhere already!
My hipster friend drowned
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
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With the amount of his cronies locked up it seems like he’d let the lock up chant die.
https://ift.tt/2Y8K0BE
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
What does a magician say when hiding a dead body?
Abracadaver!
I gently slid her panties to the side …
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer