Can I download it from my mario games?
She couldn’t see that well.
My four year old fell down and hit her butt on something and started crying. My six year old calls her over so she can “take a look.” She says “Well I think you broke your butt. There’s a crack down the middle.”
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
She keeps running away from the ball.
She didn’t have any arms; Knock Knock; Who’s there ; Not Sally
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?" The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!" The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?" The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly. "Two or four lanes?"
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
Remains to be seen.
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
At least until the Librarian caught me.
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
It causes me to start coffin.
A man sitting in the corner replies, “You won’t have enough bullets”
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Condescending means to talk down to someone.
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
It always gives me the E B G Bs.
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.
Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.