Can i get an f in the chat
It's time for me to come clean.
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
Time will tell.
It writes other words too.
It's much safer than going outwindows.
It got mugged.
Me: Thanks for reminding me
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
There, they’re, their.
(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
It’s about time!
Condescending means to talk down to someone.
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
I have a hunch it might be me.
It's your Yelp score
It’s parents were in a jam.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.
"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine!" He explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
After all, it's cooked doe.
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were. The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out for blood. I look him in the eye and I know that it’s me or him. When he lunged, I grabbed him with my bare hands and strangled him to death. And you see these snakeskin boots? I took them as a trophy from my kill.” The second cowboy responds: “That’s nothing. One day I was riding around on my horse, than out of nowhere comes out a big, mean bear. The son of a bitch knocks me off my horse, and proceeds to kill my noble steed. I reach for my gun, but he charges and knocks it out of my hand. He’s got me pinned, snarling at me just waiting to kill, when I manage to break free, get my knife from my boot, and I stab him in the throat. And you see this bearskin cloak? I skinned him myself and keep this as a reminder.” The two cowboys look to the third, and one of them says “well what about you? You think you’re tougher than us?” The third cowboy says nothing, and just continues to sit there, stirring the fire with his dick.
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks. "Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with. Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?" "Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy." "I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?" "We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs." "Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?" "Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."
It took him a couple of bytes
…but it’s harder to deter gents
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen