Can I have it stretched some more?
Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will just let it go.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old…
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued. "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00"
Me: “Do you shower after sex?”
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
A story with a happy ending
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." โWell, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.โ "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me." "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
What do cars and Scientology have in common?
Cruise control
Eating a clock is very time consuming
No text found
I just yelled, โF, YOU GUYS!โ at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, theyโre both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, heโs an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isnโt so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
NSFW Whatโs the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
Itโs all about raisin awareness.
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
When I turned into a teenager, my dad repeatedly emphasized the importance of using a condom whenever I have sex.
He said, โAnyone who would sleep with you would sleep with almost anyone else.โ
A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
Electrons have mass?!
I didnโt even know they were catholic!
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. Theyโll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if thatโs what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
Sex Therapy
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… "
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
Not mine but I canโt find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
A cat died and went to Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, โYou have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.โ The cat thought for a moment and then said, โAll my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floorsโฆ I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.โ God said, โSay no more.โ Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, โWell, we have had to run all of our livesโฆ from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.โ God answered, โIt is done.โ All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the catโฆ He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, โIs everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?โ The cat replied, โOh, everything is just WONDERFULโฆ Iโve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little โMeals-on-Wheelsโ that You have been sending over are delicious.โ
My friend said to me, โDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression?โ I said, โGo on, then.โ He shouted, โNOT THE KRYPTONITE!โ
I said, โThatโs Superman.โ He said, โThanks man, Iโve been practicing a lot.โ
It’s weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago…
It's like he blew up overnight.
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Click here to find out!