Can I just leave this here ?
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding
When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration. “What’s a licence” she asks So the cop explains what a licence is. The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop. “I also need to registration” reminds the cop “What’s a registration” she asks So the cop explains what a registration is to her. “I have one of those” she says as she grabs it and hands it over. So the cop takes the licence and registration back to his car to write up the ticket. As he’s writing up the ticket he tells his partner how dumb this blonde is. His partner thinks a minute and says “when you take the ticket to her, give her everything then drop your pants to see what her reaction is.” So the cop finishes writing up the ticket and heads back to the blonde. He hands her her licence, registration and the ticket then drops his pants. The blonde looks confused for a second then her face falls, “oh no, not another breathalyzer test”
![[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/no_image_card-148-400x247.png)
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn’t swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info. Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info. Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell. The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
I just caught my son googling porn web sites, and I’m completely heartbroken.
We are strictly a Bing family.
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.
My dad says this every time
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped.
It’s his worst fear – hare loss.
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, “I’m sorry, Dad.”
Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad. Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
E Minor is Spooky.
It always gives me the E B G Bs.
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
Corona is taking “viral marketing” too literally
The new campaign is a killer
