I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, βExcuse my Frenchβ after a swear word…
Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
I found out today my toaster isnβt waterproof.
I was shocked.
Wtf is an acronym.
No text found
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injuryβs were only super fish oil.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He PASTAway
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest.
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been three sequels (with a forth on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN". When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, βIβm sorry, Dad.β
Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, Iβm Dad. Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, βAre you fucking sorry?β
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
So my brother’s girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!
So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.
My favorite sex position is called βWOWβ…
Itβs when I flip your MOM over.
As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me…
"Just one would have been fine!"
Wanna feel old?
Wait
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.
I thought to myself… βThis sub has gone downhillβ.
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
Iβve read β An Idiot’s Guide To Plumbing β twice and I still havenβt got a clue what Iβm doing.
I guess itβs going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am
I'm really not a mourning person.
Why is giving blood easy in Taiwan?
Because everyone is Taipei.
I hate when revolving doors move too fast
It's a pane in the ass
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house. Knock Knock. Who's there? Bawk Bawk Bawkaw
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"
Dad, are we Pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I bought the worldβs worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, itβs terrible.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
I wasnβt allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .
He regretted not passing the bar.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
I can’t be the only one feeling like this for every new AI startup, right?
I can’t be the only one feeling like this for every new AI startup, right?
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.