Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
How do you get dragon milk?
From a cow with short legs.
I really like books with female protagonists.
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
I’ve been accused of plagiarism
Their words, not mine
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She hugged me
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
You should never run with scissors…
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man ” is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn’t matter who he or she will be”. So the man leaves the church and walks away
After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have me for just 20€? Who do you think I am? You'll need at least 100€." she says. The man is confused so he responds "I'm sorry, surely there has been a misunderstanding, the priest of the nearby church told me to give you 20€". She replays "now I see… listen to me darling, he pays 20 € because he is a loyal customer! But he can't send all his friend here expecting me to make discount for everyone! " P. S. I'm sorry for my very bad English :p
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.
The doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer…
So I killed the doctor and the judge gave me 20 years.
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
We all know where the big apple is.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
What’s Santa’s race?
North Polish
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
I was adopted. My father found me on a poker table.
He said "I see you and I raise you."
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.