Can we please get back to football now?
She's probably pulling your leg.
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
It was a Toto failure.
But I got over it.
Because he wasn't born yesterday
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
cos 0 = 1
Because they can’t have mussels.
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
I stop at nothing to avoid them!
The front row at a Trump rally.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
seemed to be a booby trap.
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
You boil the hell out of it.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
It runs in your jeans.
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
He was decomposing.
Their words, not mine.