Can we set up an automatic crossposter from r/memes to this subreddit? It’s basically the same fkn thing.
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage?
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
After work, I volunteer to help blind children.
Btw – Verb, not Adjective
Do you wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin
They told me I wouldn’t be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support around here, people are gonna think we’re nuts!
What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Jason Nomoa!
A man goes for confession …
The priest says “Tell me son why are you here” “Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied. The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? “ “Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic.” the man replied. “This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way” the priest replied. The man replied , “ Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? “
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…
Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!
My teacher never farts in public.
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah. "How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson. It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdullah. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a "little different" from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Abdullah said with a big smile. “There's a musician here – he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro! There is a judge in here – he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour. There's a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor. And me – I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the Fucking Arab.
The past, present and future walk into a bar
It was tense
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
Wise old saying
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but just no atmosphere.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: No, why would I pick you?
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"