Can we take a moment to appreciate the unsung heroes in our body during the COVID-19 outbreak?
A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl.
Guy: You're the most average girl here Girl: You're so mean Guy: No, you are
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.
We should use Hillary Clinton’s emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
911 what’s your emergency?
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg’s jokes
I still do, but I used to too
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
Back in the U.S.S.R.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
A man goes into the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
Bashing a witness at the impeachment hearing for wearing his military uniform?
https://ift.tt/2OFOglR
An old Soviet joke I found on Wikipedia slightly adapted by me.
A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot says!”