Can we take a moment to appreciate the unsung heroes in our body during the COVID-19 outbreak?
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good. Just made this up in the kitchen and got an eye roll from my wife, so I figured it was good to post, even if it is a bit cheesy.
Why is 77 better than 69?
You get 8 more!
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife’s sister says ” it sounds like an elephant in there”
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.." My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was and didnโt like their answer.
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
A joke my second grade teacher used to tell
Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat. There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a quarter in his right, and tell Timmy to take one. Timmy would always take the quarter, leading the boys to laugh and make fun of him. The store owner, after watching this happen for week after week, finally took Timmy aside one day and explained to him that a dollar was worth more than a quarter, which is why the boys were laughing at him. Timmy replied, "I know. But if I took the dollar, they'd stop. So far I've made fifty bucks."
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
If I had a nickel for every time I didnโt know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!
He looked at me and said – Itโs ok. I can stop anytime
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. โHow do I get to the other side?โ
The buddhist monk shouts back: โYou are on the other side.โ
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, โIf your tent gets blown away, you wonโt be covered.โ
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner theyโre hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says โwatch thisโ. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells โstop!โ, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says โyou wanna try?โ โSureโ Trump says, โbut donโt smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurtsโ.
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." ย The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
Ah yes, forget the fact that the cost of college increased at least 260% since 1980
https://ift.tt/2PbrZNy
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because heโs Claustrophobic.
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
An Irishmen walks into NASA and says
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter….
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven." He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?" The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden". St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?" The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve." "Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one". "Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
My friend David lost his ID
Now heโs just Dav
As far as disabilities go, being mute isn’t that bad…
But I can't speak for everyone.
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.