Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
What’s the best reward for a knock knoc joke?
A no-bell price
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
A pretty girl kissed me today
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.
Why can’t Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww
“I went on a date with a girl to Yo Sushi,” said my buddy.
"How was it?" I asked. "Oh, you know…when one things lead to another…" he said coyly. "Yes," I replied. "That's called the conveyor belt."
Where do camels go on vacation
Notre Dame
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She hugged me
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
There’s a little known legend about Attila the hun
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
9/11 Jokes aren’t funny.
But the other 2 are.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbelievable
I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
Djibouti
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
I have some old dead batteries if anybody wants them.
They are free of charge.
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room
Im indiana Jones, Get out