Can you believe this ?
Maybe sit this one out, Meghan.
The engineer life
Grabbed by the Pussy!
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
75th day in Quarantine ….#newyorknico #paperboyprince #brooklynny
MAGAts at THE FRONT!!
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
England doesn’t have a kidney bank…
But they do have a Liverpool
Masking for a friend…
Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you…
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.
She: “What’s your birthday?”
Me: "January first." She: "What year?" Me: "Every year."
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
For a Milkyway
A man is driving down a country road
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
Assembly is a great way to turn to alcoholism
Haha men = gross
Bunker Bitch. Help It Stick.
Sent to me by my mom
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
Dad Builds a PC Test Bench
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
flakey piles of goodness
Seriously, you won’t get it .
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Caveman discovers weed
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
Answers On A Postcard.
oh god oh fuck
I found a wallet…
I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill. I asked myself, what would have Jesus done? So I turned it into wine.
Maybe it’s just in my head, but…
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
It’s always his fault
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Who the fuck does that.
My favourite Avengers
From my Aunt. My Grandmother replied, “Smart Woman”
One man’s trash, another man’s treasure
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
No text found
The rotation of the earth makes my day
No text found
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?
The prose outweighs the cons.
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
It is obligatory.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
Honesty is the best policy
Who needs to sit here?
The “silence” is deafening….
Found on Facebook, boomers paradise.
Woman with headache
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
to make America great again
Laughs in very high-level programming language
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone
Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.
Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replies "No son, you're not!" So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ." He says "No son, you're not." The drunk says "Look I can prove it." He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Why are gay people always smiling?
Because they can’t keep a straight face.
Contributing to open source explained to git newbies
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
It’s the 13 min that kills me
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm
Concise summary of a lot of the anti-progressive journalism these days
Nobody could have expected this!
An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.
He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his penis. The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Australian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also". There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over the head with the bottle". "
Who needs grades when you have money?
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.