“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
…the Czech is in the mail.
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
They’re always assembling
But let me give it a shot.
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands…
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
Because they have mass
I was talking with fiance out getting married and he said he wasn’t excited about being called husbands.
But he though that wife had a nice ring to it.
Only a fraction of people will get it
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
His name was Sir Render.
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes. God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.” The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I’m an eighth-theist
I had plenty of time to kill.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.
A young woman was so depressed with her life that she decided to end it by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "Moreover, I'm lonely too and need someone to love me." The girl understood what he meant. But she nodded yes; after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her food and wine and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's fucking me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."
Her – Knock knock! Me – Who's there? Her – Hungry! Me – Hungry who? Her – Hi hungry, I'm dad!
6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal… 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows… And promptly solve his problem.