Can you murder something that’s already dead?
I have contacts.
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
It was pissed off…
I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said…
"So, how long have you been an instructor?"
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?
If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me. URGENTLY!
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
Turns out it was just saturday night fever (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
With an itheberg.
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
Because they're calf price
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
I really need to wash some mugs.
Because they’re shellfish
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
Look for the fresh prints
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
But there’s too many drawbacks
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…