Can you murder something that’s already dead?
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said…
"So, how long have you been an instructor?"
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Joke
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?
If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me. URGENTLY!
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night
Turns out it was just saturday night fever (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?”
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
How many “friend zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
A dwarf walks into a bar, he’s very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…