“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
A bear walks into a bar…
The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and……………………….coke please. Bartender says: “Why the big pause?” Bear replies: “I was born with them.” Edit: Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed the drink and location). Here’s how it happened: 2yo Child, While holding her bear: Um, daddy?Can I have…………………………..milk pwease? Me: Sure sweetie, but why the big pause?! Only I laughed…my ass off. Guess I’ll just, grin and bear all the repost comments.
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
A bunch of electricians threw a party
It was lit
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
I was addicted to soap
But now I'm clean
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0. The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken
God said to John come forth and have everlasting life.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
You haven’t tried the delicious Bacon-Liver-Anchovy sandwich?
You're missing gout.
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
“Thank you for your service”
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
A man gets pulled over by the police…
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
I have a scary joke to tell you about maths
But I’m 2² to tell it!