Chinese is a tonal language…
The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use. This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations. Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?" "I won First Place!," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering" says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "I won first place too." answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?" They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest – Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Donald Trump ?" asked Pinocchio.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
What is the abbreviation for “we have a thing”
No text found
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why can’t a man starve in the desert?
Because of all of the sand which is there.
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Hope we can still get it on
Hope we can still get it on
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
This is on my 600 pound life. I’ve never seen someone with an overweight forehead before.
https://ift.tt/37rGxiU
As a guitarist, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister…
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe?
Its called the Groaner virus
Dad: Son did you know you were named after Benjamin Franklin?
Son: But Dad my name is Scott. How could I be named after him? Dad: He was named in 1706.
What’s the opposite of sad pie night?
No text found
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea
She's my Seoul mate