CanI have a hug? Please?
Would it become an Edison?
The cow didn't make it.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
My recliner and I go way back.
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
He was wrong on many levels.
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
I think I deleted system32
I have no words for how angry I am.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
He was obviously milking it
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
He still has the right to remain silent.
On my desk, I have a work station.
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks. "Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with. Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?" "Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy." "I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?" "We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs." "Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?" "Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight in the nose.
Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
What is going on with you?https://ift.tt/37vd3Sy
Most people think that the word “Queue” is just the letter “Q” followed by four silent letters. But they are not silent.
They are just waiting their turn.