What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
Kids ask their mother how they were named
1st Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily. Lily: That’s so cool! 2nd Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose. Rose: That’s so cool! 3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw? Mother: What did you say, Brick?
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I’m Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question…….
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
I saw this odd guy walking towards the cemetery with a shovel…
I had grave concerns
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
Buzz busted.
Buzz busted.
How did the Sun get a job?
Because It had a lot of degrees.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"