Can’t Conversion Covid
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
The inventor of auto correct died last week…
Restaurant In Peace
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
The shovel was really a ground-breaking invention.
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This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
How bout a blowjob?
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ….And she's always sound asleep."
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
I just bought new shoes from my drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
Two wrongs don’t make a right…
But two Wrights make a plane.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I don’t know you, and This is my trampoline."
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then I was born.
“Knock Knock”
Who's there? "Yah" Yah who? ".com"
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