Can’t wait for that date
What did a cannibal get for being late for dinner?
a cold shoulder
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?
Vegans rub it in your face for free.
“Has your dog got a name?”
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past!
I used to be addicted to soap….
I’m clean now.
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
Why didn’t 4 jump into the pool?
Because they were 22
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee…
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs? John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
What’s the least spoken language?
Sign language.
What’s the difference between The Bloods and Superman?
One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.
What do we want…? Low altitude flyovers!
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
Сафари парк львов Тайган
https://ift.tt/33T3qd9
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
No text found
Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors and not 4?
http://bit.ly/2ECQ4Zh
What is the benefit of living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in