Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
A person asked me, “Aren’t you the guy who brags about weird stuff?”
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.
"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"? The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise…'"
Apparently someone in my town has been stealing the wheels off police cars
They’ve been working tirelessly to find him
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f…!!! Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
I’m afraid of confusing words that sound the same but spelled differently.
I’m homophonophobic.
Why are blinks called “blinks”?
Because their "bi-winks".
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
A cheese factory exploded in France.
All that was left was de Brie.
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. You’ll be fine
https://ift.tt/2PTlS1L
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
It takes guts
To be an organ donor
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
I’ll be right back
Where are all the dad jokes stored?
At the dadabase.
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.
4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.