Capitalist housing
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
Pope gets a lesson
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
I can’t tell if I like my new blender
It keeps giving me mixed results.
“Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
Conjoined twins are level-headed people.
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
What sound does a 747 airplane make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
Why are there a ton of Religious Holidays but no Science Holidays?
Because science works.
I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars, she asked me if I win often
I said no, the cars are much faster
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
“No Jews Allowed”
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: 'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.' Sending a written message, the captain replied: 'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .' Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.' 'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
What language is only spoken among mailmen?
Parcel tongue
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice…
Except Chris Brown
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
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My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.