Captain baked bean is here for us all in this time of need
My kid just told me she’s scared of Santa.
She’s Claustrophobic
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What do you call half of a Russian tree?
“Demi-tree”
My girlfriend said she didn’t think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating
But I managed to pull it off.
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Dads are like Boomerangs
I hope
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
Step ladder
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
There used to be 2 of them and now it’s a touchy subject
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizziscian
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?
You pull off the ring and then your house is gone
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
My son came up with this one…
I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
I was born at a very young age.
No text found
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.
Yo mama so ugly…
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
