Captain baked bean is here for us all in this time of need
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
Chicken strips.
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
Son: Where were you born, Dad?
Dad: In the US Son: Which part? Dad: What "which part", my whole body was born in the US
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to make new ones.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
My wifeβs dog died. Soto cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. …
She was furious. βWhat am I going to do with two dead dogs?β she said.
It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-lawβs life support system.
I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.
I just found an origami porn site…
… but itβs paper view only.
Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Parkβ¦
One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people. The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear. He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area andβ¦well, just have a good time." The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes. The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush. The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!" The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!"
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, SeΓ±or, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, SeΓ±or. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, SeΓ±or. Sometimes the bull wins."
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldnβt know, the women always get to keep the house.
Cremation isnβt free
You have to urn it
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
My sonβs math teacher called him average…
I just think heβs mean.
what do you call 2 transgender midgets who are having sex?
a micro transaction
Was 12, living with abusive aunt and uncle
We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields. Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion. Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up like that. They told me, "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They'd done it before so I knew they meant it. Days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored. Climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me riding Dirty
New job
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, βAre you allergic to anything?β He replies, βYes, caffeine. I canβt drink coffee.β βOK, have you ever been in the military service?β βYes,β he says, βI was in Afghanistan for one tour.β The interviewer says, βThat will give you 5 extra points toward employment.β Then he asks, βAre you disabled in any way?β The guy says, βYes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.β The interviewer grimaces and then says, βDisabled in your countryβs service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.β Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.β The guy is puzzled and asks, βif the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why donβt you want me here until 10:00 AM?β βThis is a government job,β the interviewer says. βFor the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.β
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
There was a young man…
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
I tried to come up with a good acid pun
But they're all too basic π
What starts with βWβ.
No text found
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
A Roman walks into a bar …
A Roman walks into a bar, says "I'd like a martinus." The bartender asks, "you mean martini?" "No, just one."
Zombie Mr. Clean
wants your draaaiiins
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.
The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness. The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle. A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope βis there anything I can help you with?β The Pope says βyes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNTβ The man is absolutely horrified. He canβt tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out βof course! Aunt!β The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks βdo you have an eraser?β