The mother is furious, frustrated, and mortified all at once and scream to her son: "GO TO YOUR ROOM!! YOUR FATHER WILL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN HE COMES HOME!!!" So after a short dinner, and a long conversation, the boy hears his dad thumping down the hallway to his room. The father opens the door, and says with a stern voice: "Your mother told me about your day at school… I can't tell you how deeply, seriously, and truly PROUD I AM OF YOU!! HIGH FIVE BUD! For you to get it in, at your age, with a teacher?! I love that my young man's a STUD! To celebrate you being AWESOME, you're getting a brand new bike. Right now, let's go!" So the proud father and son walk to the bike store and walk out with a new set of wheels. The father says: "There she is son, how about you ride this baby home?!" The son replies: "Dad, I'd love to but I can't, my asshole still hurts!"
They pay for our sins.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He’s almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* – So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. “James Fart! James Fart” the bullies used to make him cry…
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself: -I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name! Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation. -Ok, so… your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart… I'm sorry, I just… -I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember. After a long and tedious process, everything is ready. -Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead? -Charles Fart.
So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Oh you millenials with your newfangled talk about this “curbside pickup” concept you “invented” because of Covid…
Well I tell ya, we garbage-men have been doing curbside pickup ever since the 30's. . . . And we didn't need any of your formal training for it neither, we just picked it up as we went along. . . . And get off my lawn!
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
The plot thickens.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
A gummy bear
Free of charge
You boil the Hell out of it
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
He was afraid of Capitalism.
It got mugged
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
She wanted to see the task manager