Caption doesn’t fit with meme
People ask me,”where do you get your jokes from?”
I said “I reddit from somewhere”
Elevators terrify me
I'm taking steps to avoid them
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.
… for 20 seconds. … And only once.
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year’s Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
How do you call a pesron, that doesn’t read words right?
You. You read ''Person'' wrong.
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
Here’s the thing about cliff hangers
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Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
My new pencil can write UNDERWATER
it can write other words too
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
Why were the Native Americans the first to come to America?
Because they had reservations
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
There was a little boy who needed $10 and he prayed to God for two weeks to get the money…
But nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God to ask for the $10. When the post office was to sort out the boy's letter addressed to 'God, America', they decided to deliver it to President Donald Trump. The President was impressed, touched and entertained by the boy's letter. He told his secretary to send $2 to the boy. The President thought it would be a lot of money for the little boy. The boy was happy to receive money from God, so he sat down to write a thank-you note that read: Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it via Washington, and as usual, the devils took 80% of it!
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
On which side do chickens have the most feathers…
The outside.
I absolutely hate elevators…….
I take steps to avoid them
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
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What do you call it when Batman skips church ?
Christian Bale
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander. They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated. The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me." The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture." The Italian says, "I'm fucked." The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck. Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood. The other two ask him what happened. "Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country," Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated. 3 days pass and he returns to the cell. His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied. "I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku." Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life. A whole week passes before he returns. Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by 2 soldiers. One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago." The other 2 are shocked. Amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break. They ask him how he did it. "I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak." "What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask. "They tied my hands behind my back."