Captions ruin everything
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
![*[happy GPU noises]*](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/6znxz2t0hgl41-400x335.jpg)
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
![….yep [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/5rnyflkg09q41-1-400x413.png)
A young man was talking to his parents
Son: I decided that I'm ready to tell you that I'm gay. Dad: *clenches his fist * Mom: Don't… Dad: *sweats profusely * Mom: …. Dad: Hi gay, I'm dad! Son: Dad, cut it out, I'm serious. Dad: Serious? I thought you were gay
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?
Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh…
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
Superman is flying though the air super horny…
When he notices Wonder Woman laying totally naked on top of a skyscraper, legs spread wide open. He thinks to himself, man, I’m Superman… Faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there, fuck the shit out of her as fast as I can and be out of there before she feels a thing. He swoops down as fast as he can and within a second, he’s gone. “What was that?!” screamed Wonder Woman. “I don’t know” the Invisible Man said. “But my asshole is killing me.”
How do your pets stop the show you’re watching?
They use paws!
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now it’s aware wolf
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I know many jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
What do you call a dyslexic atheist?
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
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