Car more important than wife
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
Admit it, you don’t even like my maths, you’re just using me for my theorems!
https://ift.tt/2TluzDs
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.
One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office. The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Joe. So, he brought in Bro and Buddy, and told them to come in separately to identify the body. Bro came in first, and was asked to look for any details about the body that he recognized. After a few minutes of examining, Bro said, “Mr. Coroner, I’ll need you to turn the body over for me to be sure.” Confused, the coroner obliged. Bro continued to examine the body, bent down on one knee, reared his head sideways, then stood up and said, “No sir, this can’t be Joe.” The coroner was even more confused, but he accepted this statement and sent Bro out. Next, he invited Buddy in to repeat the task. Buddy, after examining the body in a similar fashion to Bro, also requested that the body be turned over. The coroner, after mumbling a bit about his confusion, flipped the body over. Buddy too bent down on one knee and examined the back area of the body, then, just as Bro had previously, said, “No sir, Mr. Coroner, this isn’t Joe.” The coroner was astonished, so he asked that Bro come back in so that the two of them were standing there at once. The coroner said, “Gentlemen, this man’s dental records and features match perfectly with those of your friend Joe’s. How on earth are you both positive this isn’t him?” Bro and Buddy looked at each other, then Bro answered, “Sir, this can’t be Joe because Joe has two assholes.” In shock, the coroner asked, “How can he have two assholes? Have you ever seen them?” Buddy replied, “No sir, but it was common knowledge. Every time we were out with him, people would say, ‘Look, it’s Joe with those two assholes!’” Credit goes to my grandmother, who was the first to tell me this joke.
What’s the difference between a dad and a grill?
A grill runs out of gas
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?
The front row at a Trump rally.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
A Jewish boy was failing math.
His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended. The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room and stayed there the entire night until it was time for bed. This continued for the entire semester. On the day of the next term, the boy came home as always, slammed his report card on the table with his coat, and proceeded upstairs. When the mother reviewed his report card, she was astonished to find he had gotten an A in math for the first time ever. Delighted, she ran upstairs to congratulate her son. She found him scribbling furiously in his notebook. “Zach! You got an A! I’m so proud of you! Are the nuns really as good of teachers as Jodee said they were?” “No.” “Then what is it? How come you’ve gotten so good at math all of sudden?” “Well mom, when I walked into that school and saw that poor man nailed the to the plus sign, I knew these Catholics were serious about this whole math thing.”
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
Vote for whoever you want- but don’t say it will definitively work out this time.
https://ift.tt/2TgTgk9
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Knock Knock
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?
The prose outweighs the cons.