The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Me Tarzan, you Jane…
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, “Shit man, I’m too old for this nonsense!”
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a good, solid reason for your insane speeding that I've never heard before, I promise you that I will let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied, "Officer, few years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." The cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "
A truck driver drives during an intense winter strom
The truck driver comes to a stop. The woman in the car behind him gets out of her car and knocks on the truck driver's window: "Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!" The truck driver is confused and continues his path until the next stop. The woman knocks on his window again. "Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!" The truck driver is even more confused and continues to drive. At the next stop, the woman comes to knock again on his window. "Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!" The truck driver gets angry and says: "Would you please shut up! I'm putting salt on the road!"
I asked my Mom if I was ugly…
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.
I was beside myself.
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
I made a website for orphans
There’s no home page
A moral joke, finally!
The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?' ''Yes Ma'am, My Daddy is told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. Pin drop silence in the class !! ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ? "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk..!!"
What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose
Winnie the
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling." Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting." Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on." All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob. Her Majesty: "Now what's this?" Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
Why are you still guarding it?
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 privates guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it. "We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did!" He searched for last commander's phone number, and called him to ask him why did he want guards in this particular bench. "I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition". Going back another 3 commanders, he found a now 100 year old retired General. "- Excuse me sir. I'm now the CO of your camp. I've found 2 guards assigned on a bench. Why did you put them there?" "- What? The paint is still wet?!?"
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.
Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice…
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem." The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?" "Yes, it's absolutely sweltering" "Then get an air conditioner" "I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor" "Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?" "Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank" "Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help." So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her. Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh… oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!" Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.