Cards Against Humanity hit a little too close to home, last night.
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
Just lost my job as a zookeeper
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.
He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink. “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender. “That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies. The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole. “Oh God. I’m sorry. Here — your first two are on me.” He hands the man two bottles of beer. “Thank you, I appreciate that.” The man and his dog make their way to a table near the front door and he grabs a seat. A little while later, another man enters the bar with a chihuahua. The first man stops him: “The bartender is going to give you shit about your dog. Tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog and he’ll feel so bad that he’ll buy your first few rounds!” “Thanks!” replies the second man. He wanders up to the bar and orders a beer. “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t allow dogs in here.” “It’s my seeing-eye dog.” The barender’s face wrinkles into confusion. He says, “Ehhh, I don’t think so. They don’t make seeing-eye dogs out of chihuahuas.” “FUCK! They gave me a chihuahua?!”
One day an engineer was crossing a road when
a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer replied, "Hey, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.
It’s soda pressing.
You should never trust umbrella companies
They run a shady buisness
It’s not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart..
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
Woke up to my phone having a seizure because my dad kept sending me a dozen of these
https://ift.tt/37sNkcH
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
What’s the male version of a Karen called?
I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
The seals.
I have the best doctor
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
I won today.
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.