Careful what you wish for.
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates…
St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl, "So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool of holy water before them and then she may enter heaven. Next, "So Christine, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Christine says, "Well, I once fondled a man with my hand." Peter tells Christine to dip her whole hand into the holy water to enter. Suddenly, there's a commotion coming from the back of the pack of girls, where Agatha is pushing her way up to the front. "Why so eager Agatha?" Agatha responds: "Cause if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm going to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!"
I’ve got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school.
I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, βLook, boysβ¦β
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
Why don’t hamburger buns ever get along?
There's always beef between them.
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
A man tried putting ten jokes in a newspaper competition to win a car
But no pun-in-ten-did
![[Meme] Recursion in a nutshell](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/y851a5t0yg341-400x394.jpg)
[NSFW] A black Jewish kid is running back home from school
He asks his father "Dad, am I more black or Jewish?" "Why do you ask?" says the father "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and was wondering if I should talk him down to $40 or just take it."
I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.
So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.
βIβm sure my wife wonβt like thisβ
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, βGet in and Iβll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.β "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, Iβm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
I had my first date last night.
I think Iβll stick to raisins.
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
Itβs incredible how many people confuse βtoβ and βtooβ.
Itβs amazing two me.
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth youβll find ice mostly.
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll
My wife embarrased me by ordering a racially insensitive drink at Starbucks today…
She ordered a Black coffee, I quickly apologized to the barista and said, "I'm sorry she meant to say an African Americano."
Calculate your next travel destination for 2020. Guaranteed to be 100% accurate
https://ift.tt/2Y6EHCK
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers canβt be choosers.
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?
Pretty nuts
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
https://ift.tt/2VyuVEX
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeahβ¦" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right nowβ¦"
