Cargo space
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
Why can’t the eel and the eagle work together?
Because it would be EelEagle
My wife didnāt think Iād give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Itās easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but itās harder to deter gents
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,
even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
Itās very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
Whenever Iām at the therapistās waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but Iām a fan.
Iām amazed by dry-erase boards…
Theyāre remarkable.
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
I’m on my way
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
Cashier: Scans Condoms
āDo you need a bag sir?ā Me: Jesus, sheās not that ugly
Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side. The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over. āPrivate! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.ā āYes, Sir!ā The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. āSee, British soldiers are the bravest.ā āThatās nothingā said the Russian General āComrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.ā āDa, Comrade General!ā The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. āNobody more brave than Russian soldier.ā The American general, unimpressed said āLet me show you all what real courage is.ā He calls one of his men over. āPrivate! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!ā Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says āGo fuck yourself, General.ā āSee! Now that takes some real balls!ā
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?"
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.
Iāve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. Thereās a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza. So I decide to go get some ramen. I know itās not the best, but it keeps forever and Iāve been perfecting my āauthenticā ramen recipe. Sure enough, thereās an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And thereās literally a whole aisle of shelves thatās just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive… there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle. This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever. There is no punch line.
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You canāt even say āblack paint.ā Instead you gotta say,ā Jamal, will you please paint the fence?ā
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
Did you know the population of Ireland is growing at a faster rate than any other country in the world?
Itās capital has been Dublin every year.