Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover it’s butt-quack.
Pope gets a lesson
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
What did the little mermaid wear to math class
An algae- bra
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
A dwarf walks into a bar, he’s very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
One more secret Trump is trying to keep: How much are taxpayers paying for his vacations
https://ift.tt/2NaNL34
I told my dad Stan Lee died…
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
This dude had beautiful long hair 5 years ago. Very funny comment but also Oof.
https://ift.tt/2ywG2Za
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
Day Job
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply: 'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss