Carmen Sandiego
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke…
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture
You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
Anyone Can Fall in Love
There were two antennas on top of a skyscraper collecting radio signals. They meet, fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding wasn’t much to talk about, but the reception was excellent. 😜
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
Where are all these great dad jokes stored?
The dadabase
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
Working out is like a drug to me
I don’t do drugs
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!
A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy
As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said; "I would like to buy some cyanide," The pharmacist asked her; "why in the world do you need cyanide?" She said; "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed; "Lord Have Mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. you CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE." The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says; "Well now thats different You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
Remember, because of synonyms, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”…
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together…
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
I’ll name my child $2y$10$ugTh9EyUvedMTndo0PvF4.YKZaHX6OsMirqjR6ApgASNPrRikwBGS
https://ift.tt/2WcbTYa
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Don’t hurt me.
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
Why do vaccinated kids hate jokes about measles?
They never get them.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
Some people have trouble sleeping…
…but I can do it with my eyes closed.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?
Dam right they are.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out…I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on…
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha