Carnot’s Theorem: Of all heat engines working between two temperatures, nothing is more efficient than a Carnot Engine
My father identifies as a woman, but he never told me about it
He wasn't being very trans parent.
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
Made pot brownies with laxitives
Just for shits and giggles
“Can you make me breakfast in bed?” asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] …“The men I please are none of your damn business!”
Nearly had sex with a Ladyboy last night…
Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!…. That's when I thought "Fucking hell there's something wrong here"
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?
Dam right they are.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It’s all about raisin awareness
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper “Wanna hear a joke about blondes?”
Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers "Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe… he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says "OK, FINE… I won't tell the joke… I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
Joe Biden may not be exciting to liberals (myself included), but let’s keep perspective here
https://ift.tt/2THaNAY
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire. The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket! After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
Why are you still guarding it?
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 privates guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it. "We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did!" He searched for last commander's phone number, and called him to ask him why did he want guards in this particular bench. "I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition". Going back another 3 commanders, he found a now 100 year old retired General. "- Excuse me sir. I'm now the CO of your camp. I've found 2 guards assigned on a bench. Why did you put them there?" "- What? The paint is still wet?!?"
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
Bit true innit?
Bit true innit?
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry…
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.