Carved the scariest things I could think of!
Your penis is so small…
that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
![[Onutė (a name) looks so natural.] [You’re right, when she was alive, she looked like a corpse already]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/kyk6460th3y41-400x479.jpg)
My friend wouldn’t stop telling me bird puns
Little did he know toucan play at that game
Is slaying cheeks worth the risk in the pandemic
https://youtu.be/J3bVYE2B-2s
Cake day…. Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
I can’t stress how many dirty minded redditors commented on my cakeday joke saying they thought the the monk would cream the girl, so this one’s for you guys.
At the party, impressed by both the monk's cooking skills, along with his manners and good looks, that she approached the monk, hoping to develop a friendship with him. They were quick to develop chemistry, and the girl's feelings evolved into love for the monk, who was close to her age. One day, the girl was dying to know if her feelings would be reciprocated, so she invited the monk over to her house. When he reached there, he was met by a beautiful woman in equally beautiful lingerie, and the girl professed her undying love for the monk. "I know you're probably a virgin, and that having sex is against your religion, so I understand if you don't feel the same," she said. Knowing that the monk would never give up the chance at Nirvana to be with her, she looked crestfallen until the monk took her to her bed and said, "I've lived my life a horny virgin. I love you, but losing my virginity means I'm going to have to lose an essential part of myself." "You don't mean you'll give up being a monk for me?" she said. "What?" the monk asked, very surprised. "No, now that I'm no longer a horny virgin, I have to delete my Reddit account."
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”
spotted this one in a local weekly newspaper!! stoked to find one in the wild!
https://ift.tt/2K2oOVZ
Why did my dad go to prison?
Beats me.
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?" Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year." Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming." Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate." Pope: "Chocolate?" Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
Dad: We need to go out
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
I’ll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting…
I wonder what she's up to now?
It’s not really a meme, and not really science, but it deserves to be in here.
https://ift.tt/2t6a9nD
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
A vampire walks into a bar…
A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily. Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood. Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess…" he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head. "Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?" The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival. Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup. "I'm making tea…"
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
