Carved the scariest things I could think of!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My girlfriend said to me, “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.”
I said, "Good idea – we can cover more ground that way!"
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
I’ve learned 99% of the English language.
I'm almost their.
My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
Pink Panther’s to do list
To do To do To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
Only one, but you really have to squeeze them in…
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea. (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
Me: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
What’s up doc?
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
