Carved the scariest things I could think of!
What do you call an evil circle standing up?
A bad circumstance.
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
https://ift.tt/2WfSFRV
When two people have sex it’s called a two-some, when three people have sex it’s a threesome
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
“Dad, I want to be a history major!”
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
Four Men Went Golfing Together
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
6:30 is the best time on the clock..
Hands down.
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates…..
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'. The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women'spanties.. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins. . .
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
No text found
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Did you know that Terry Crews once had a heckler that mysteriously dropped dead?
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
Got my dick wet for the first time today
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
Little known fact-
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
Pickup line to use at the a hairdresser…
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
I would avoid the sushi if I were you
it seems a little fishy
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs
