Carved the scariest things I could think of!
I used to be addicted to soap….
I’m clean now.
A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.
He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit, and she asked him if there was anything he could do. The undertaker told the widow that he would do what he could and to come back in three days. When the widow returned three days later, she found her husband in his coffin, wearing a stunning blue suit. She was overcome with gratitude and asked the undertaker how he'd managed this. The undertaker replied, not half an hour after you left, a lady brought in her late husband, who was wearing a blue suit. She told me how he'd always wanted to buried in a grey suit, but she couldn't afford a new one, so I told her I'd see what I could do and to return in three days. After she'd left, I checked and he was about the same height and build as your husband so I swapped the heads.
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with…
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”. She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”. Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”. To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrr!!!
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Dawn is tough on Greece.
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
How does a cowboy start his day?
He reboots
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
I had a cracker for lunch.
First square meal I've had in days.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
Just ordered eggs and a chicken off Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
Two irishmen, lost at sea…
Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate. Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it. One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out! "Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads. "I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully." Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!" "Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer. The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
https://ift.tt/2wQ2VWA
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
What’s the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator. Edit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee