Cat-netic energy
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have 4 🙂
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
I’m Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
A man with a stutter answers an ad for “bible salesman wanted”.
He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more." The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says. "Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
As much as you might move around an envelope
It'll always be stationery.
What do you call a mummy with a cold?
I don’t know, Sir Cough I guess
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
What is the root of all evil?
25.8069758011
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.
That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
Wtf is an acronym.
No text found
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.
Her: How expensive? Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000. Her: You could buy a car for that! Me: That's a bit excessive — I don't think it needs its own car.
Last night I lost my watch at a party.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
I don’t have a “Dad Bod”
I have a father figure
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
Why hasn’t Barbie ever gotten pregnant?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now it’s a Ford Focus
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…I’m one of them.
