I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks…

In case I get a hole in one…

911 what’s your emergency?

"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"

A haiku about corona virus

I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed….

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed …. Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.

Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

…it was Luke warm.

The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.

Let’s fight for bill posters!

Let’s fight for bill posters!

My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks

My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen

Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.