Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high

She seemed surprised.

What do you call the child of 2 physicists?

The aftermath.

I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday

I wasn't putting on enough shifts

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del

She wanted to see the task manager

Son: What rhymes with orange?

Dad: No, it doesn’t

I went for a job interview the other day.

They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."

My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said

then you're a simpson.

My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..

I have to remind him what Israel.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.