I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks…

In case I get a hole in one…

911 what’s your emergency?

"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"

The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.

My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks

My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen

Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

Someone toilet papered my house last night

Now it’s worth $875,000

Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?

You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy

I just don't see it myself