I buy my guns from a T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.

There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…

Well that’s a different story.

A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.

Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

You know, cardi b looks alright

But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)

My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”

She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

Whoever stole my antidepressants

I hope you're happy now

I was telling my friend there’s only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.

"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."

Why is “dark” spelled with a K and not a C?

Because you can’t C in the dark

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

You add Spring water.