5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”

Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"

They say laughter is the best medicine but where do you get it?

The ha-spital.

What do lawyers wear to work?

A lawsuit.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory

I’ll beheading there shortly

What rhymes with orange?

No it doesn't

How do you make any boat a hat?

You flip it over and it becomes capsized.

I don’t like thin pancakes..

They just crepe me out.

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

It's not hard